Category Archives: Letters to God

Letters to God, Spiritual, Thoughts

Letters to God – Part 29: Failed?

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Forgive me G-d, but I have failed.

There is a sentence that religious teachers say: “G-d does not submit someone to a test that he cannot pass” (forgive my horrible translation, but that is how I remember it). But I have.

Today once again we go and ask for forgiveness. For everything bad we did this year, asking you to put us in the book of health, of life. But I can’t do it.

It all feels like a game to me. A game where we are the pieces and nobody knows the rules. Some say their rules are THE RULES. And others say their rules are THE RULES. But nobody knows. So why should I follow these rules and not these other rules? And why do I follow any rule at all? Yea, I know, because following my own rules is also following a set of rules, that I have created. And who knows if they are good or bad? And what is good or bad?

It’s too confusing. This is probably why most people just follow the rules. It’s just easier, clearer.

Awgh!

It’s hard to be at the same time on the top of the world – great job, beautiful wife, nice house, car, vacations, etc. – and at the bottom of the world – what will happen tomorrow? Will I have to run to the hospital again? Will something get worse? If a q-bit had a soul, this is probably how it feels. But it’s hard to find one to talk to these days.

It’s been such a long time! Three and a half long and difficult years.

Wait, but this also means that the test is not over. And maybe, all of this anger, this rebellion, this hatred, all of this is something that I have to accept. That I can only ask for forgiveness only after I myself have done this. That I accept my thoughts, my pain, my questions. That questioning life is OK.

Interesting…

But coming back to the normal world, tomorrow we still celebrate. So to all of you reading my crazy thoughts, I wish you a very happy and joyful new year, full of health and only good and sweet things.

And may you be able to forgive yourselves for everything you think you have done wrong. I know how hard it can be.

Kids, Letters to God, Spiritual

And then the Sky Came Tumbling Down

Back in January, the school nurse saw that my son was having trouble seeing from one of his eyes. So what? I have glasses, my mom has glasses, my sister has glasses. So my son will also need glasses. But he never complained, and since my eldest daughter also had some eye problems, we decided to take the kit to an expert.

Forward to the beginning of May, eve of the Israeli remembrance day, we are in the office of Dr. A, who is an expert children eye doctor (or however they are called). He checks, double checks, and yes, he doesn’t see well from one eye. That’s an understatement. Actually he can’t read the upper line in the table the eye doctors have in their office (those with letters and numbers). But after checking, and re-checking, he tells me that the eye looks fine, so we should start neurological investigations. I came home beat, and just in time for the alarm that marks the beginning of the remembrance day. We put the kids to sleep and sat down to talk. My wife’s mother had a tumor in her brain that had damaged her eyesight.

We decided to get the opinion of another doctor, this time Prof. B who is the head of the eye department of the local children’s hospital. The wait was short and we saw him on Sunday the next week. Again, the kid doesn’t see the big numbers/letters. But now the doctor sees that his pupils react differently. Definitely neurological. Go and get an MRI done. And quick. And if you don’t get an appointment fast, please call me and I’ll send you through emergency.

Withe the help of some great friends, we managed to get an appointment the same week. Tired and nervous, praying for good new but expecting bad ones, our son was put under full anesthesia (It’s hard for kids to stay still inside an MRI tube) and after one hour, he was back outside, doing a very rough awakening (it took him almost one and a half hours to recuperate). At the same time, the MRI was being analyzed by the doctor. The bad news came then:

There’s a big “space-occupying lesion” (SOL) in the middle of your son’s brain and it is bothering his eye nerves. And it’s big. Please go right now to the hospital. I’ll call them and tell them about your case

Thursday, 6 pm (In Israel this is like Friday) we arrived at the hospital emergency room with the MRI results and feeling the world falling below our feet. After waiting for an hour to see the nurse, we were derived to neurosurgery. The on-duty doctor was called. We were asked to put the child in hospitalization for “observation”. Exactly what are you going to observe at the weekend? The kid is completely fine, except for having something abnormal growing in his head! So pictures were exchanged, calls were done, and we came home, beaten, tired.

Oh, how we plan our lives, and how G–d changes all our plans :-). Enjoy life. Enjoy each day. And say thank you for everything you have. Doesn’t matter if you believe in G–d or not. Just say thanks. I am thankful for everything I have. A great job that is supporting me in these hard times, a family that gives me love, many friends who care, help, and are just there when needed.

And if you do believe in the power of prayer, pray for my son. While the doctors are very optimistic in their prognosis, life is full of surprises. I can assure you of that.