Letters to God – Part 29: Failed?

Forgive me G-d, but I have failed.

There is a sentence that religious teachers say: “G-d does not submit someone to a test that he cannot pass” (forgive my horrible translation, but that is how I remember it). But I have.

Today once again we go and ask for forgiveness. For everything bad we did this year, asking you to put us in the book of health, of life. But I can’t do it.

It all feels like a game to me. A game where we are the pieces and nobody knows the rules. Some say their rules are THE RULES. And others say their rules are THE RULES. But nobody knows. So why should I follow these rules and not these other rules? And why do I follow any rule at all? Yea, I know, because following my own rules is also following a set of rules, that I have created. And who knows if they are good or bad? And what is good or bad?

It’s too confusing. This is probably why most people just follow the rules. It’s just easier, clearer.

Awgh!

It’s hard to be at the same time on the top of the world – great job, beautiful wife, nice house, car, vacations, etc. – and at the bottom of the world – what will happen tomorrow? Will I have to run to the hospital again? Will something get worse? If a q-bit had a soul, this is probably how it feels. But it’s hard to find one to talk to these days.

It’s been such a long time! Three and a half long and difficult years.

Wait, but this also means that the test is not over. And maybe, all of this anger, this rebellion, this hatred, all of this is something that I have to accept. That I can only ask for forgiveness only after I myself have done this. That I accept my thoughts, my pain, my questions. That questioning life is OK.

Interesting…

But coming back to the normal world, tomorrow we still celebrate. So to all of you reading my crazy thoughts, I wish you a very happy and joyful new year, full of health and only good and sweet things.

And may you be able to forgive yourselves for everything you think you have done wrong. I know how hard it can be.